Wedding Survival Guide: Scheduling

Folks, it's that season of the year. The time when lovebirds unite, vows are exchanged and all that lovey-dovey mushy stuff.

Granted, it's a wonderful experience, or so I'm told. You see, I won't actually find out until June 7, when I get hitched myself (to someone who is, admittedly, WAY out of my league). But that's another story.

So I decided to run through a series of "how to" articles - call it a Spartan fan's guide to planning a wedding.

I'm here today to talk to you about how not to be a complete and total jackass at your own wedding. There are many things that go into this: Not getting shamelessly blasted at your reception, toeing the line between "funny" and "wildly inappropriate" during a toast, avoiding hitting on the hot bridesmaid, and, for that matter, the ugly ones too.

But those are all things one can deal with the day of. Unfortunately, the biggest misstep most Spartan brides and grooms make is caving on the wedding date, figuring your guests will "understand".

Folks, there are four simple rules for wedding scheduling:

1. Do not schedule your wedding opposite an MSU home football game.
   
2. Do not schedule your wedding opposite the unscheduled date of an even remotely possible major MSU sporting event (such as the Final Four or on New Years Day).
3. Avoid other major sporting event dates your friends are likely to care about. The Kentucky Derby. The Masters. The Super Bowl. No, no and hell no.
4. If you absolutely must book it opposite an MSU away game, block out time to watch the game. Wedding, then block of time to watch the game, Reception. Just like that.

Now, full disclosure time: My soon-to-be wife disagrees vehemently on what I'm about to say. She thinks it's tantamount to treachery and blasphemy. So I see there are differences of opinion on this point from otherwise-rational people.

But folks, if you break rules 1-4 - especially rule one - you're basically asking your friends not to come. It's a giant slap in the face. Sure, from your beloved's point of view it might be a perfect date, good weather, the chapel is free and whatnot. But look at it from your buddy's point of view. Here's what he/she hears:

"Hey buddy, I know we went to school for four/five years and never missed a State game, but my wife/husband really wants the wedding in (insert venue here), and it's the only day (insert venue here) is available. I know it's the Michigan game, at home, a chance to shove another Javon Ringer-sized butt whooping down Rich Rodriguez's maize-and-blue throat, but she/he really likes the venue. I'm sure you understand that I'm whipped and I'm going to roll over on this, just like everything else for the rest of my born days."

That's why my fiancee and I picked the not-at-all happening date of Sunday, June 7. There is precisely nothing interesting happening then. I think there's a NASCAR race at Pocono, but no one but me really gets into NASCAR. NHL and NBA games, if they're still going on, won't be begin at 2 p.m. when the ceremony starts. And if the schedule gods screw me and the Wings are playing in the Stanley Cup finals (which should be over by then), then there are big-screen TVs near the reception hall where we'll all go watch. See? Everybody wins.

Now I get it. If MSU is playing someone like Montana State, you as a guest might be inclined to suck it up and go anyways. Gripe a bit, but go none the less.

But quite frankly, if your buddy wants to have his or her wedding opposite the Michigan or Notre Dame game, you've a perfect right to tell the happy couple to shove their bouquet and roses where the sun don't shine.

So you see my point. Don't be "that guy".